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Friday, April 15, 2011

Just a vent (not a conversation for the weak)

So i realized that my inner voice is so loud that all i can do is continuously scream. I am writing this blog so that it is dictated somewhere. At least someone will have an idea of who I was. You the way my life has shown up, with no F(*&(*^ breaks, I would not be surprised if i lived to a 102 to deal with this torture until then. That gives the world more time to make a jke of me publicly and privately and be their entertainment. WHATEVER. I can admit that I am ready to give up. F(*& trying, applying, or contributing,. When i ask for help this is what I get... Let's see I am willing to help you as long as it doesn;t inconveniences, hinder, or mess up my plans. If i have to give something up to be there for you, than you can FORGET IT. BUT, YOU BETTER BE THERE FOR ME EVEN THOUGH I WILL NEVER BE THER FOR YOU. I WILL WATCH YOU STRUGGLE< CRY< BEAT YOURSELF UP< SEVERE RELATIONSHIPS< AND BE ALONE>

Nice. Thanks world. And if i killed myself, then I would be considered a cop out. A cheat, a failure. WHATEVER. ( the way I am thingkin gright now, less bills for me.)

So if it doesn't work this time, it looks like I will be homeless. Not like I haven;t in the last year. People tell me go get a job.

Why? So i make someone else rich, be miserable everyday, still struggle to pay my bills, and need to go to work cause I have biils that i must pay in order to be considered a contribution in any society. Maybe I should have faked it and acted straight. Give some man babies and say that I only want to be ruled. ARE YOU REALLY SERIOUS? I am sure that you are. So some people may think that I am a man bashing and hating women. No I AM JUST FED UP! With the stigmatism, stereotypes, categories, expectations, or ideas of where people think I should be in my life. This is the only way i know how to keep from killing myself right. Its called BITCHING to air. Nobody reads this stuff anyway. so I am just writing to bitch. So it very well can be that I will be homeless soon. If that happens, ALL BETS ARE OFF!

Promies. What am i talking about, I can't keep any promises. So why even make a promise that i will never keep. I can acknowledge that it takes every breath in me everyday since my mother has diec to not kill myself. And that conversation is more common than not.

So now I am considered suicidal huh? Well take a F(*^ mnumber! We will see when I write again.